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by Ibrahim on 08 December 2009 - 19:12
Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.
Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.
Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
by Kaffirdog on 08 December 2009 - 19:12
A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive,expertly tailored black suit.
The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check."There's no charge," he says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing." "You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."
"So, I just switched the heads."
The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check."There's no charge," he says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing." "You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."
"So, I just switched the heads."
by Kaffirdog on 08 December 2009 - 19:12
A Londoner parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show
it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a truck came
speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before
speeding off.
More than a little distraught, the Londoner grabs his mobile and calls
the police.
Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance
to ask any questions, the Londoner starts screaming hysterically:
My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long at
the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!"
After the Londoner finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his
head in disgust:
I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Londoners are," he says.
"You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice
anything else in your life."
How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" snaps the Londoner.
The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn
off when the truck hit you."
The Londoner looks down in absolute horror.........
F?#KING HELL!!!!!!" he screams........ "Where's my Rolex ????..."
it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a truck came
speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before
speeding off.
More than a little distraught, the Londoner grabs his mobile and calls
the police.
Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance
to ask any questions, the Londoner starts screaming hysterically:
My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long at
the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!"
After the Londoner finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his
head in disgust:
I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Londoners are," he says.
"You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice
anything else in your life."
How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" snaps the Londoner.
The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn
off when the truck hit you."
The Londoner looks down in absolute horror.........
F?#KING HELL!!!!!!" he screams........ "Where's my Rolex ????..."
by Ibrahim on 08 December 2009 - 20:12
Aman came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife loved him.
She was so thrilled to have him around that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled,
"My husband's home! My husband's home!"
She was so thrilled to have him around that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled,
"My husband's home! My husband's home!"
by Ibrahim on 08 December 2009 - 20:12
But....I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 18 million.
8 million are retired.
That leaves 10 million to do the work.
There are 6 million in school, which leaves 4 million to do the work.
Of this there are 1.5 million unemployed, leaving 2.5 million to do the work.
Take from that 1,180,000 people who work for government departments and that leaves 1,320,000 people to do the work.
480,000 are in the armed forces, which leaves 840,000 to do the work.
At any time, there are 179,000 people in hospitals, leaving 661,000 people to do the work.
At the moment, there are 660,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes!
The population of this country is 18 million.
8 million are retired.
That leaves 10 million to do the work.
There are 6 million in school, which leaves 4 million to do the work.
Of this there are 1.5 million unemployed, leaving 2.5 million to do the work.
Take from that 1,180,000 people who work for government departments and that leaves 1,320,000 people to do the work.
480,000 are in the armed forces, which leaves 840,000 to do the work.
At any time, there are 179,000 people in hospitals, leaving 661,000 people to do the work.
At the moment, there are 660,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes!
by Ibrahim on 08 December 2009 - 20:12
I was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. A half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.
"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. A half hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and angry.
"Do you know WHO I am?"
"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor.
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.
"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.
"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.
"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. A half hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and angry.
"Do you know WHO I am?"
"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor.
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.
"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.
"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.
by Ibrahim on 08 December 2009 - 20:12
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!"
The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!"
The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"
by Ibrahim on 08 December 2009 - 20:12
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
by Ibrahim on 08 December 2009 - 20:12
I know I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly.
I haven't had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft.
If you would do this for me no one would ever know.
I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would.
I am very desperate and I need your help.
You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry.
I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so..
Do you have a piece of gum?
I haven't had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft.
If you would do this for me no one would ever know.
I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would.
I am very desperate and I need your help.
You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry.
I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so..
Do you have a piece of gum?
by Ibrahim on 08 December 2009 - 20:12
John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday.
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