I'm Bored - Anyone got any funny stories to tell? - Page 5

Part II

> > "He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start>
> saying
> > your prayers."
> > I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared,asshole."
> > Then I called asshole # 2: "Hello?" he said.
> > "Hello Asshole," I said.
> > He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are.."
> > "You'll what?" I said.
> > "I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
> > I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right
> > now."

Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police, saying that I
lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my
gay lover.
Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St. There, I saw two
assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad
cars,a police helicopter, and a TV news crew.
> >
> > ...Now, I feel better...

Keith

That pic reminded me of my early teens when there was a character in the area who wore a T Shirt with "A   lice Cooper" written on it in biro.

Ibrahim, I think you will like this one, please excuse the punchline language but it is critical to the joke.

Two builders (Dave and Kevin) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub, when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit...

Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Kevin: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.

Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder …

Dave: - Scuse me , no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken ! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession

Dave: - Oh ! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example .. Do you have a goldfish at home?

Dave: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in pond.Which is it?

Dave: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have large garden then you have a large house?

Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ... built It myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Dave:- Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Dave: - Me? Never

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Dave: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life !

Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive ... thanks mate! Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Kevin: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Kevin: - What's that then?

Dave:- I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Kevin: - Nope

Dave: - Well then, you're a w*nk*r!

And here's one that is actually dog related

Studding My Dog"
**RING**
I look up from my dinner. Who would call the Breeder From Hell at supper
time?
I check the caller ID. It's a local call. No mercy. Had they called from
different time zone, I might have considered commuting their sentence ...
"Yes." Hello is too good for this loser. This should be the first hint.
"Yeah, is this the lady who has Border Collies? Someone gave me your number
..
I'm calling about a stud."
"Uh huh." This loser doesn't know my name, but wants to use one of my studs?
I'm just about to pick up the whistle I keep on hand for obscene callers,
when I hear words I hadn't expected.
"I have a stud. I thought you might want to use him."
But of course! Whatever was I thinking? I put down my plate. Time to trade in
my salad for some fresh meat.
"You do? Please! Tell me more about him!"
"He's got papers. We're charging $75.00, but we might take a pup if there's a
good one in there."
If my plan is going to succeed, I must first win his friendship. "Oh my
goodness, I could never sleep at night having paid you so little. I wouldn't dream
of paying less than $125.00."
"Really?"
"Absolutely. Actually, some people charge $150.00 for studding their Border
Collie." I hear the skin on his cheeks snap into an idiot grin.
"Ok. But for you I'll charge $125.00, though, ok? When do you want to use him?
Got anything ready now? We'd really like to get some pups outa him."
"You mean he's never been used before?" I let a long moment of silence pass
before continuing, my voice grave.
"I hope you've checked him for T.E.S.S."
"What tests? He's got his shots."
"No, I said TESS T - E - S - S."
There's a little hesitation in his voice now. "Tess?"
"Testicular Ecstatic Seizure Syndrome." I whisper it into the receiver.
"Huh? What's that?"
"Breeding fits. Kind of like a seizure, except it hits them in the rear first.
They sort of lose control. It's an awful thing to see. Awful thing ... you
mean nobody told you?"
"er ... no?"
*sigh* "They never do. You're lucky you talked to me then, eh? I may have
saved your dog from a convulsion or worse..."

I let that sink in for a moment. First you herd them into the tunnel, then
you turn on the light...
"But there's a couple of tests you can do to check for it ... easy stuff."
"Yeah? tests?" He's coming in like a bug to a zapper!
"You can do them yourself. First you get a female that's ready for breeding,
bring your stud in and watch what happens. You have to watch really close ...
but keep him on a leash so you can get him out of there if you have to."
"Ok."
"Watch your stud real close, and if he starts to chatter his teeth a little,
well that's a danger sign. The first thing to start him off in a breeding fit
is that teeth chattering thing ... are you writing this down?"
"Ok."
"Next thing to do is watch how excited he gets. If he starts scrambling
around and won't listen to you, then that's another danger sign. If he does that,
get him out of there fast. Let him settle down for a few days. Maybe a week.
Then try again. If he still does it, well, he's gonna need an operation."
"An operation?". I can hear the profit margin calculations being adjusted.
"Oh yeah, you can cure TESS real easy. Just get your dog in right away

Part II

Oh yeah, you can cure TESS real easy. Just get your dog in right away to the
vet for an operation."
"You sure? I mean, operations can be kinda expensive ... "
"Not as expensive as buying another dog, eh? Besides, if anybody gets even a
hint that your dog has TESS, they won't use him. No way. Who wants to waste
time on a dog that dies before the job gets done, eh?"
"I never thought about it that way. You got a good point there ... "
"Yup. So, this is what you do. You go to your vet and tell him you want him
to do a Vasek Tummy operation. Write that down ... Va-sek-Tum-my."
"Yup, got it. Ok, thanks."
"Wait, for crying out loud, that isn't all!"
"No?"
"If your vet gets any idea that you want to be studding your dog, he's not
going to do it. So, no matter what he says, tell him you don't ever want to stud
that dog. NEVER."
"Huh?"
"And don't breathe a word about the TESS. For sure he won't do it then."
"Why not?"
"Vets are funny that way. If they find out you want to fix up a dog with TESS
for breeding, they won't let you do it. So they won't do that Vasek Tummy
operation."
"Oh. Ok. Now I get this."
"Good. Hey, and good luck, eh? Be sure to call me back and tell me how it
went. I like to know about vets who do good Vasek Tummy surgeries. There's lots
of people like you out there."
"Thanks. Thanks for your help. I'll be sure to do that."
"No need to thank me." I take out a steak knife and carve another notch in
the idiot stick. "The opportunity to help others is the only thanks I need."

This quiz must be done in your head not on paper and not with calculator (it is simple):

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000.
Now add 30. And another 1000.
Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10.
What is the total? do not cheat no paper&pencil and no calculators.

waiting for answers

Ibrahim

Kaffirdog
Too frickin' funny!
Great thread...I haven't laughed this hard since I don't know when!
Thanks!
Deb

A neighbor had invited some people, including our minister, over for dinner.  On the menu were stuffing, peas, and baked chicken.

As we prepared to eat, we were serenaded by a crowing rooster.

“Listen to that rooster,” said one of the guests.

Glancing at our pastor digging into his chicken, the host said, “You’d crow too, if your child was going into the clergy.”

 

LOL Kaffirdog. Good thread btw. I'm bored. I'll add some to the blue collar tv special.

Hummmm, ok ok I thought of something to storyline

 Twas the night before a non denominational winter holiday and all through the house, not a creature was stirin' not even a mouse.
The neutral gift sacks were all hung by the chimney with some care, in hopes that a non-specific holiday figure would soon be there.

 Children of every race, creed and nationality were resting all snug in their beds, while visions of suger-free plums danced in their heads.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, everyone got up outta bed to see what was the matter and see who was violating the sound level ordinance.

 But what in wondering eyes did appear, an emmissions free vehicle followed by 8 angry challenging reigndeer.
Holiday figure was so lively and quick in that emmissions free vehicle, at that moment we thought, it must be : Holiday Figure.

 He had a broad but normal face and dressed in blue, advanced sized belly and he yelled I am Lady of the Evening! I am Lady of the Evening! I am Lady of the Evening!

 Then, more rapid than eagles, St. Nick did appear, behind his sleigh packed with gifts and Christmas cheer. While pointing at the dude did command all his challenging reigndeer ... pass auf dasher, pass auf dancer, pass auf prancer, gib laut vixen; packen comet, packen cupid, packen donder, packen blitzen !!

 Holiday Figure was roughed up from the lawn to the sky, once a non denominational holiday figure, now gone with a blink of the eye.

 Out on the lawn St. Nick stood, dressed in all fur from his head to his feet,
red clothes all tarnished with predicted defeat of the non denominational holiday figure. Everyone laughed during the scrap in spite of ourselves, St. Nick and "all" knowing we had nothing to fear.

 St. Nick sprang to his sleigh, gave his team a whistle, and away they all flew like the down of a thistle. We all heard him exclaim as he disappeared outta sight, Merry Christmas to "all" and to "all" a good night !!

I attended college in Kashmir-India, I once met a British tourist and invited her for a cup of tea at the college canteen along with my classmate, when tea came I asked the lady "may I sugar you ?", she said please two spoons. My classmate took the milk pot and asked her "may I milk you?"

Ibrahim

Okay Ibrahim, the obvious answer to your math question done in my head is 5000.  What is the real answer.