WHY WE ARE WHERE WE ARE!

Major Smythe was purple with rage. He had just left a meeting with an Aide to Mandelson - the KC subsidy was being cut due to the economy being in recession. The subsidy was the master-plan of Reggie Stirling the KC Fixer in Chief - he had persuaded the Government to cut free school milk and free dental treatment and channel the money to the KC for the Health & Welfare of retired Fox Hounds after the ban on hunting.

Following a programme aired on TV the government felt it should distance itself from the KC.

Major Smythe was one of those old boys who had seen service in the Cubs, then the Scouts and then became a Reservist Major for the TA. He bravely led his men away from the set to at Goose Green. The Goose Green near Wigan - when the miners strike was on. Basically the naughty miners had sworn at the Majors men and this led to the retreat. He came from a long line of Army men. At the Battle of Hastings one of his forebears had predicted that they would have “someones eye out” with those dangerous arrows all around. Another of his great, great Uncles had been a Specialist Advisor to General Custer just before Little Big Horn. His service ended when there was a “goat mascot related incident”.

Smythe had risen to the heady heights at the English Kennel Club despite never owning a dog, although he did like goats. Anyhow here he was in the biggest crisis of his life. “ Bloody TV” he thought, should be banned. His humour was not made any better when he learnt that a woman was the programme maker, a bloody woman indeed. Should not even be allowed to vote in his opinion. He entered Clarges Street in a rage, “Simco” he bellowed. Karen Simco was the KC person in charge of “something” and also it was her job to tell the Major all the news. She was a small mousy woman who always wore beige and glasses. Oh dear! he must have heard she thought. She had managed to keep the programme away from him for about 3 weeks. Couldn’t have him knowing that a woman had made a programme about dogs, which did not put the KC in a good light. She entered his room - he had light his pipe – the smoking ban had not affected the KC.

In the corner sat Dr Ruby Waxcoat, a bit of a large lady who looked a bit like a pig from certain angles. She always wore something pink to remind herself of her femininity. She also liked younger men. She rolled the cigar before lighting it.
The Major bellowed like a bull on heat, swearing about the role of women, modern gadgets like BBC2, immigrants and the Government in fact everything he could think of.

She decided to call Reggie Stirling, who had a twin brother Ronnie. Identical in every way except one always wore Brut 33 and the other Hai Karate. Reggie walked in wearing a dark suit, pencil thin tie and button down collar shirt. Reggie had let it be known many years ago that it was him that had injected Canto with a blood thinning product. He hated the German Shepherd breed so much that he did not think that the breeders would come to understand health issues and that they would introduce a simple £10 blood test to prevent this terrible disease.

by Aileen Ann Mathieson on 30 March 2010 - 15:03

Reggie was a tough Scot, but he had a nasty little secret, he and his brother were both tempted by the former KGB Agent Karla Kissova. She was looking for a job after the Cold War and found her place amongst her like in the English Kennel Club. She tempted both the Stirling brothers after juicing them up on a Gorbals Cocktail of 2 pints of heavy mixed with one bottle of Buckie and a shot of anti freeze. They both woke in a strange hotel room with a Thai Ladyboy. She said that she would release the pictures unless she got a job. Nuff said I think?

This was the crisis that Reggie had been waiting for - how to get even with those dammed German Shepherd folk. Simco edged alongside Reggie who was now striding with a purpose towards the Major. It was decided that Simco would tell the Major all about the programme - all about the breeds with various serious ailments, like double headed pups, blood problems, birthing problems, epileptic dogs and blind dogs the full works. Then she would reinforce that it was “only a woman” who made the programme. Reggie would then step in and offer the remedy. Blame those Germans (Poor Reggie never got over the war you see).

So there it was, the Major went from scarlet to purple the more he listened. Karen went on to say that she had been following things on The Interweb and she had been looking at various websites. At this point the Major exploded. “ARSEWIPES -whats a bloody arsewipe?”. No SIR a WEBSITE. These are pictures on the computer that people put………. her voice tailed off. The Major was the hater of all things modern. He hated women, he didn’t think that black people should have the vote after learning that someone called Obama had become the President - he struggled to understand how a dark skinned man with a long beard could become the leader of the USA after flying planes into buildings IN the USA. Strange bloody world we have here he thought.

Then Reggie stepped in, you know whose fault this is don’t you Major. Och aye, I canna hide it nae longer it’s the bloody Germans. Germans, bloody Germans why have they done this to us? Well said Reggie, they come over here and start testing their dogs to make sure that they don’t catch anything, nor would they mate anything which has a health problem and so it goes on. I ask you what have the Germans ever done for Dogdom?

Karen opened her book and started to read.

Hip Scoring, Elbow scoring, Haemophilia Testing, DNA testing, Working Qualifications, Tattoo Marking, Surveying, Grading at Shows and a workable Breed Council. Also the numerically largest breed for decades that had paid a huge amount in revenue to the club.

Reggie smoothly stepped in “Ah yes those old chestnuts” but what good is that to us if the buggers then say that we can’t register pups if they don’t fulfil the criteria, no that would not be any good to anyone. Let me think how can we knock then down again - how can we stop them becoming to big for themselves. He calls Will Hardon, Will is the specialist Working Dog man. He actually owned a collie for about 18 months, but it wouldn’t stop humping his leg and if there were more than 4 people in the house it kept rounding them up. So the collie was rehomed.

by Aileen Ann Mathieson on 30 March 2010 - 15:03

Will entered the room - “ T-reet fettler”? The Major couldn’t understand a bloody word. Karen said it means are you ok? Now Will, big man, said Reggie, how we gonna mess up these bloody Shepherd lot? Will looked baffled until it dawned on him that Reggie actually meant the Alsation lot.

“Reet mate ya need an inside man and I have just the chap” - Juande Juanfran - Champ Show Judge, Surveyor, in charge of everything and has very cleverly managed not to own one of them for years. He will sort them all out. Reggie wasn’t so sure. Juanfran had become a Member but had done little to cause any ructions except to ensure that those weirdos who insist on “Working” their dogs had started to fight themselves.

Anyhow the club was just inducting a new member - Graham Greahame, who thought he was a German Shepherd man until he was told it was Allys or nothing. He had swiftly risen through the ranks “piloting” a number of mediocre dogs to the prized CC - he had somehow became a Champ Show Judge and was last heard telling an owner she had to handle her own dog to ensure she got the ticket at his next appointment. Graham was not so happy though as part of his induction to the Club included him having to wear various items like tight shorts, lederhosen and today’s outfit a Toga. It wasn’t helped as Dr Ruby was clearly smitten and was trying to goose him all the time.

What about Barndon, the Major bristled, Barndon was a northerner and the Major had always suspected him after Barndon grew a moustache nearly as sharp as his own. No said Reggie, Barndon has been hip scoring I think he has turned to the dark side.

“I know” said Kissova lets invite them for a Meeting and mess them around for a bit then we can blame them for not turning up and not agreeing Minutes of Meetings.
Then we can issue an UNDERTAKING that will scare them.

The Major calmed down a bit and went back to being very red - Karen breathed a sigh of relief - Reggie smiled and Dr Ruby tried to goose Graham and Hardon said something nobody understood.

Reggie was happy - plan was starting to come together. Now the work began. Let’s put together an Agenda - we will call it Heath & Welfare - Fit for purpose - Fit for Function.

1) You can’t wear bright coloured shellsuits as it may effect the sight of the dogs.

2) You can’t show on long leads anymore because it may harm the dogs in some way.

3) You can’t shout your dogs as it may harm their hearing.

Right that little lot will do for starters. Simco send letters to the Clubs - lets rock and roll.